You’re Asking the Wrong Question

When you’re slogging through a difficult situation, whether it’s a job you hate, recovering from an addiction of any sort, a health crisis, or a husband whose idea of humor is unrepeatable anti-religious jokes*, it’s important to keep it in perspective.  The question to ask yourself is not, “Can I do this every day for the rest of my life?”  That’s too overwhelming and a great way to get yourself put in a straitjacket.  I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound like an improvement to me.

No, the question to ask yourself is, “Can I do this just one more day?”

And each time I say yes, it’s a little victory.

*I don’t mean to imply that DH does this all the time.  There was one recently that got under my skin and precipitated a mini-argument, thus the blog post.

Book Review: Death Comes for the Archbishop by Willa Cather

Death Comes for the Archbishop is the story of Father Jean-Marie Latour and his friend Father Joseph Vaillant, two French missionary priests sent to New Mexico in 1851.  (Latour is based on Jean-Marie Lamy, the real-life first Archbishop of Santa Fe.) Latour has recently been named Bishop of the Diocese of Santa Fe.  When he arrives his diocese includes all of New Mexico and during his tenure is expanded to include much of Colorado.    It’s a rugged, thinly populated country with few roads.  Because of the often impassable terrain – which Cather describes so beautifully  that the landscape is like another character – many of the people have never seen a priest before.  Babies are born but not baptized and couples live together but do not marry, not because they reject religion but because they have no alternatives.

Travel within the region may be difficult, but travel to the region is no picnic either.  When Latour is elevated to Bishop, the railroad ends at Cincinnati, Ohio.  To reach New Mexico, he must take a riverboat to the Gulf of Mexico, then travel through Texas to New Mexico.  As the reader might expect, since traveling to New Mexico is so arduous, communication between New Mexico and Rome is irregular.  As a result, many of the local priests have been, shall we say, less than observant of their vows.  Latour, a man “to whom order is necessary – as dear as life” is sent to clean up the mess, and he takes Vaillant, his friend from seminary, along as his vicar.

Over the next thirty-seven years, Latour and Vaillant create order from the chaos.  Slowly, they befriend the natives, weed out the delinquent priests, and with the help of the Sisters of Loreto, establish a school in Santa Fe.  Along the way, they save a woman from a murderous husband, protect a widow from her husband’s greedy family, and take the Gospel to people who otherwise would never hear it.  When death does come for Latour (now an Archbishop), the Church in New Mexico is strong, the cathedral he dreamed of is built, and dozens of new priests have been trained to work in New Mexico.

Some would argue that this book has little or no plot; but it’s the story of one person’s life, and if you look at most individuals’ lives, you could say the same thing.  The real story of this book is that one person’s kindness and faith in God can transform a community.  And that’s a story worth reading.

Door-to-Door Preachers

What do you guys do when door-to-door preachers come by?  Normally, I just don’t answer the door unless it’s the UPS guy or someone I’m expecting but today I was expecting a repair guy and got faked out by Jehovah Witnesses.  I considered telling them that I’m Catholic and have the fullness of Truth handed down from Jesus Christ, but I didn’t want to sound smug – or worse, as if I was spoiling for a fight.  (I’m never spoiling for a fight, and I’m certainly not trying to upset anyone who might be reading this!)  Instead, I just said, “God loves you and I’ll pray for you.”

Thoughts?

7 Quick Takes Friday – Back in the Saddle

1. The second greatest thrill of my life is traveling. The greatest is coming home.  As much as I enjoy getting away from it all, it’s nice to come back to it all with renewed focus.  (And of course, renewing focus is why we get away from it all in the first place.)

2. And then of course we get back to work and it seems like all H-E-double-hockey-sticks breaks loose.  What cracks up both me and DH is that the morning we get back from from vacation, everybody says, “Hey, did you get my e-mail last Thursday?”

Um.  No.  I’ve been at work all of five minutes and I’ve learned the hard way that checking work e-mail on your day off is a recipe for disaster.

3. Lent is upon us.  Yes, I found something to give up (beer) and DH is joining me.  I reminded him yet again that he doesn’t have to give anything up because he’s not Catholic (although it’s very sweet of him to do so), but yet again he decided he’d go along for the ride.   Let’s hope that this year is not an EPIC LENT FAIL for me and that I can set a good example for DH.

4. Does anyone else like Hoarders as much as I do?  Most of my friends don’t like the show as much as I do, and DH gets so grossed out by the show he can’t even be in the same room when it’s on.  But I am a bit of a slob and rarely get grossed out, and I can’t look away!  I suppose it’s like a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Future: Clean up your house or you’ll wind up like these people!  And yes, after I watch it I usually clean the house and donate a bunch of stuff to Goodwill.

5. Speaking of TV, I fell into the Downton Abbey trap.  I blame Jen over at Conversion Diary.  I was channel surfing one night when I was sick and happened across PBS and thought, “Oh, Downton Abbey.  Jen likes it so maybe I should check it out…” and then found myself transfixed.  And I’m not sorry, I tell you!  It’s a great show!  :)

6. Man, I’m getting sick of dreary weather.  Only 25 days till spring!  I got my seeds ordered Thursday and I’m excited!

7. And of course, we need a song for Friday!   This Friday’s song is a classic: Around the World by Daft Punk.

For more Quick Takes, go here!

So Lent Begins…

I fasted yesterday – sort of.  My wimpy attempt at a fast was merely not snacking between meals and not getting a 3rd cup of coffee in the morning; if I try to give up more than that it’s not a penance for me, it’s a punishment for everybody who has to deal with me.  And since I had to go to work yesterday, numerous people had to deal with me.

After a long day which included listening to a smug coworker proclaim that she’s glad she is not Catholic because that means she doesn’t have to give anything up, I dragged myself to Mass.  I couldn’t get to my usual church for Mass; I picked the church I did attend in part because it’s equidistant between DH’s and my jobs.  I invited DH to come along, and hoped that he’d actually take me up on the offer this time.

Again, I hoped in vain.

Usually receiving the Eucharist fills me with peace; today, after a brief moment of peace I was filled with sadness.  What am I doing? Is all the praying for DH that I do even helping?  Lord, I thought, I screwed up.  I could have married a Catholic man, I could’ve become a nun and married You, and instead I’m married to a guy who thinks that everyone in this church tonight is delusional.  The church was packed, but I felt so alone.

And then I got home.  DH had leftover chicken casserole for dinner, I had PB&J.  (Did I remind him that Ash Wednesday is a day of abstinence?  Oops.)   I reminded myself that everything seems worse on an empty stomach, and sat down for dinner and a nice long chat with DH.  I reminded myself of the time he agreed with me when I said that a certain atheist blogger was being a jerkwad.  I reminded myself that for the 3rd consecutive Lent, he’s giving something up, even though he takes great pains to point out that it’s only a self-improvement project.   I remind myself that he once told me he wished he could believe.  And then I reminded myself of St. Monica, who had to wait fifteen years for her son’s conversion.  I haven’t even waited for half of that!  Who am I to complain?

When we curled up in bed last night, DH allowed our old, arthritic cat under the covers with us while the other cat purred next to me.  I turned to DH and said, “Tolstoy was wrong.  Happy families are not all alike.”

Prayer of the Month: Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from the side of Christ, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints
and with Thy angels
Forever and ever
Amen

I’m starting a new blog series where I post a prayer and reflect on it.  Kicking us off is the Anima Christi, a prayer that dates to the 14th century.  St. Ignatius of Loyola used this prayer in the preface of his Spiritual Exercises.  Many people think he wrote it, but the real author is most likely Pope John XXII.

1. Soul of Christ, sanctify me. The first Adam’s sin caused the fall of mankind and Original Sin, the uncleanliness of all human souls.  Christ, the second Adam, came to wash away that sin and redeem our broken world.

2-3. Body of Christ, save me.  Blood of Christ, inebriate me.   The Eucharist is one of the best things about being Catholic; each time we share in Christ’s body gives us a little more of the divine.  It saves us not just from sin but from emptiness.

4. Water from the side of Christ, wash me.  After Jesus died, a soldier pierced His side and blood and water flowed out (John 19:34). Jesus is also living water that washes away our sins.

5. Passion of Christ, strengthen me.  Christ’s Passion is a model for our suffering, a reminder that just as he suffered, so shall we. But our sufferings too shall pass, and when they do, glorious things await.

6. O good Jesus, hear me.  A simple, but elegant plea.  I am but one of millions asking for His assistance, and yet, He hears.

7. Within Thy wounds hide me.  A gory but apt image.  By his stripes, we are healed, by his wounds we are saved from our sins.

8. Suffer me not to be separated from Thee.  Forget fire and brimstone, that’s what Hell really is: being separated from God, the source of all love.  Some may think that this line refers to a fear of going to Hell; rather it’s a fear of being separated from God.  After all, if I truly love God with all my heart, all my soul, and all my strength, what could be worse than being separated from Him for all eternity?

9. From the malicious enemy defend me.  Enemies, large and small, will attempt to derail our efforts at leading a holy life.  Some do this out of a sincere hatred for our beliefs, some out of a misguided concern for our welfare.  (“Why are you wasting so much time on that claptrap? You don’t actually believe in it, do you??”)  Sometimes we need a little divine help to discern the correct defense.

10-11. In the hour of my death call me And bid me come unto Thee.  As with line 8, this is not about fear, it’s about love.  If we love Jesus, nothing could be better than being united with him in Heaven for eternity.

12-14. That I may praise Thee with Thy saints and with Thy angels Forever and ever.  The Catholic Church isn’t just the Church here on Earth, it’s also the church in heaven – the angels and all the holy men and women who have gone before us.

Further Reading:

1.  Anima Christi at the Catholic Encyclopedia (historical info)

2. A more in-depth discussion at Our Catholic Prayers

I Got that Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Down in my Heart…

I have nothing exciting to post tonight.  Heck, I couldn’t even get a Quick Takes post together!  Instead, go read this excellent post from Abigail about why we should respond to attacks with JOY!  Happy Friday, everyone!

In keeping with the theme of Abigail’s post, here’s a song for Friday: “Happy Happy Joy Joy” by Ren and Stimpy  (best for those with a twisted sense of humor).

How I Bounced Back

(To see what I was bouncing back from, read How I (Almost) Wrecked My Life)

I was fortunate in that we were still doing OK financially after I lost my job, but I had done major damage to my relationship with DH.  While I was unemployed, my #2 priority (#1 was looking for a new job) was a world-class attitude adjustment.  I knew that getting the job was only Step 1; Step 2 was making sure that I didn’t repeat the cycle and get canned from this job because no one there could stand me either.

First, I reminded myself of what my purpose in life is.  As a Catholic married woman, one big part of my vocation is helping DH get to heaven.  (Evidently God thinks I can handle a challenge.)  But he’s not going to be very inclined to listen to me if I’m not doing a good job in other aspects of marriage.  So, I made sure that every night, I take some time to have a glass of wine with DH and chat.   If I have a day off and he has to work, I spend at least part of the day cleaning the house, and then make dinner.  DH is a bit of a clean freak, so coming home to a clean house really helps his mood.  And of course, Date Nights are a must!

Next, I put more focus back on God.  As you might expect, during my year of workaholism I didn’t have much of a prayer life.  Heck, sometimes my work schedule made it impossible to even get to Sunday Mass!  I made a few rules for myself where my spiritual life is concerned:

1. Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation.  No exceptions.  If I have to get to work late or leave early, too bad, I’m going.
2. Prayer every day.  Again, no exceptions.  I’m ashamed I even had to make this rule.
3. Daily Mass and Adoration when possible.   I feel like a new woman every time I go.
4. Regular Confession.  Regular meaning at least 3 times a year.

Then, I renewed my efforts to take care of myself.   I went to the gym regularly when I was in grad school.  Aside from being a workaholic, one of the reasons I stopped going after I graduated was that I’d been using the university’s gym, which of course is students only.  Shortly after starting my current job, I found a gym close to work and started going at least once a week.  It’s done wonders for my mood and my energy!

Finally, I made some rules for separating work and home:

1. No checking work e-mail at home.  This is where I find out about work-related problems, and half of them are things I can’t do anything about at home.
2. When I have to do work-related stuff on my day off, I set a time limit on it.  I regularly have to do continuing education to stay on top of my field, so I really can’t avoid doing some work at home. Setting limits is imperative or else I’ll spend my whole day “off” working.  I set alarms on my phone to remind me to stop working, and when looking at journals in my field, I’ll pick the articles most relevant to my job, then read those but no others.  Sometimes that’s half the issue; sometimes it’s just one article.
3. Vent in the car.   When I’m driving home, I say all the things I wish I had told those jerks.  It’s very cathartic.  (Not recommended if you carpool or have children riding with you.)
4. Take vacations, and if you’re sick, CALL IN!  Again, I’m ashamed I even had to make this rule.

So, that’s how I (mostly) defeated workaholism.  What are some of your strategies for a good work/life balance?

How I (Almost) Wrecked My Life

A few years ago, I did something pretty moronic.  Something selfish.  It was something that, as the title says, nearly wrecked my life, but it was something that a lot of people expect childless women to do.

I put my career first.  Not just once, mind you – work does need to come first sometimes if one expects to stay employed – but repeatedly, habitually, over the course of about a year.

Mothers get castigated left and right for actual and alleged incidents of “putting their career first.”  But if you’re not a parent, it’s a different story. The assumption from your colleagues, your superiors and (it sometimes seems) society at large is that if you don’t have kids, you have bugger all else going on in your life and so you’re free to be a workaholic.  Or, people assume that you don’t have kids because you’re a workaholic, therefore you won’t mind living at the office.

I fell for that for awhile.  And heck, I’d known for a long time that motherhood was not in God’s plan for my life, so why not devote all my energy to my career?  (Yes, I am gullible.  Why do you ask?)  For about a year after I finished grad school, I made work my life.  I had just started a new job with the brand-spanking new degree I worked so hard to get and I was on fire!  I was going to change the world, man!  I’d spend 10-12 hour days at work and then come home and dream of grandiose plans to advance my career and be like some of the mentors I admired.  I stopped going to the gym (something I did regularly during grad school) and stopped cooking regular dinners for DH.  I never went to Daily Mass (something I love) and this family-oriented girl even missed her cousin’s wedding because of work.  I didn’t take a vacation; at first that was because I didn’t have vacation time, later because I thought the only “vacations” I needed were work-related conferences.  I only took one sick day, and that was the day after I came to work with what turned out to be bronchitis.  (Bronchitis!  What was I thinking?!?)

My wake-up call came in the form of both personal and professional swift kicks in rear.  I got fired because I was a stressed out witch who everyone hated.  DH gently pointed out that I had brought this on myself, and that it wasn’t just ruining my career, it was ruining our marriage.  

I was unemployed for a few months after that, during which time I ate crow, my words, and a slice of humble pie for dessert.  I knew that my priorities were all screwed up and I needed a new game plan.  By the grace of God, I got a new job, and I promised myself and DH that the old, angry Mary was never coming back.  That was over a year ago, and she’s still gone; I see echoes of her now and then, but by and large I’ve sent her back into the vile contagion of the night.

As for how I did that, that will have to wait for Part 2…

7 Quick Takes Friday – Little Rants

1. I’m kind of done with Facebook.  I can’t guarantee I’ll delete my account, but I took it off my bookmarks and have been trying to avoid it the last few days.  Lately it seems like everything in my news feed is pictures of everyone else’s children and mommies raving about how they have the best job in the world.  Frankly, I do not have the fortitude to have the greatest disappointment of my life shoved down my throat every single day.  Sorry, Facebook.  It’s not you, it’s me.

2. Here’s another thing that annoys me: when people say “if you have a family.”  Because evidently I don’t have one now.  Yes, I must have sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus, and clearly I don’t have parents or siblings or aunts or uncles or cousins.  Sheesh.

3.  A non-kid thing that annoys me: delivery screw-ups.  Specifically, if one is delivering food to a large office building and the customer has a really common first name, it makes sense that a) the customer would tell the delivery guy which floor to go to and b) the delivery guy would make a note of this information which the customer so helpfully provided.  Instead of, you know, dropping the order at the main entrance and letting the food sit there and get cold for 45 minutes while the customer wonders what’s going on.

4.  A few weeks ago I was sick and spent the bulk of my day drinking tea and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t take a nap.  I spent entirely too long tossing and turning, and then it hit me:  I had been drinking black tea, which is caffeinated.  Oops.  So, I guess sometimes the things that annoy me are my own fault.

5.  On a happier note, anyone doing anything special for Valentine’s Day?  DH and I usually don’t because he proposed to me on Valentine’s Day [mumble] years ago and nothing can top that.  We are going on vacation next week but it’s more a family trip than a romantic trip – the family’s annual get-together falls on the week of Valentine’s this year.

6. Man, do I ever need a vacation.  Why is the week before your vacation always the Work Week From Hades?

7.  It wouldn’t be Friday without a song! This Friday’s song is “Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes” by Paul Simon.

For more Quick Takes, go here!