It seems like people are always asking me why I don’t have kids or when I’m having kids. Parents who may be reading this, take note: Every adult who does not have children, whether by choice or not, is sick of answering these questions. Really sick of it. Beyond sick of it. If being sick of these questions were an actual sickness, half the childless adults in America would be in intensive care. Parents, as much as you hate being asked if these kids are all yours, we hate “why don’t you have kids” more. So parents, I’ll make you a deal: I won’t make rude comments about the size of your family if you don’t ask rude questions about the size of mine.
I can’t stress this enough: stop asking these questions. You may think you’re being funny or cute, but you are hurting people more than you can possibly imagine.
Anyway, on to the responses. As tempted as some of you may be to burst into tears (I know I am sometimes), remember that’s only going to ruin your makeup, and the dolt responsible will probably have no idea what you’re so upset about. Instead, try one of these:
1. “We’re waiting for a good sale.” What, you mean that’s not what they sell at Babies R Us?
2. “It’s illegal to raise goats in the city limits.” Useful for both the when and why questions. Or you could be like Donna at What if God Says No and raise some actual goats. :)
3. “The cats wouldn’t tolerate any creature who’s cuter than they are.” Enough said.
4. “Well, we prayed for children for years… then one day it hit us: that’s not where they come from!” It helps if you say that last part with a really bewildered expression on your face.
5. “Because God said so.”
6. Let’s not forget the other question we all hate: “But don’t you want kids?” I usually respond to this one with something that would be awesome but is probably never going to happen, such as “Don’t you want to win the lottery?” Whatever you do, resist the urge to ask that person if they want a new brain or some manners.
7. If you have the ability to do so, consider sponsoring a child in a developing country. (I highly recommend the Christian Foundation for Children and Aging.) They’ll send you a picture of your sponsored kid, which you can keep on your desk at work or wherever the annoying askers are and you can hold it up and say, “This is my child.” My sponsored kids are all different ethnicities than I am, and when I use this tactic the expressions on people’s faces are priceless. :)
If you’ve tried all of the above and they still won’t leave you alone, just tell them the truth.
8. “I don’t have kids, I’m never going to have kids and it’s none of your business. The subject is closed.” Then walk away, and feel free to cry, scream, or punch a hole in the wall when you get home.
If you have another good zinger, feel free to add it in the comments!